Well, today I feel like I don't have much interesting to write about. We have just been doing our normal routine. Morgan's last day of 5th grade was today - he'll be a "middle schooler" next year. He'll be in the
youth group for crying out loud! I can't believe it.
Now on to what's really been bothering me,
I usually rock Gavin at night (I know... some people say he's too old for that, but he's my baby and I can rock him as long as I want to!) while Chris reads Ivey a book. Every night I think to myself, "Wow. I can't believe another day has gone by already." It just seems like the days go by so quickly and that my kids are growing up too fast - right before my very eyes. Tonight I'm a little sad about it. I love the ages they are now. They have enough independence that we feel like we can go places and do fun things, but they aren't so independent that they don't need us anymore. Sometimes I just want time to stand still. I was just talking to Chris last night about a spirit of fear that I'm having right now. It's fear that something tragic may happen to one of my children. I think that it's because, in the past 2 years, I've known people or have read about people, like Steven Curtis Chapman, who have lost children. It's like every time I turn around I hear about somebody's baby passing away - whether it's a 2 1/2 -hour-old baby or a 26-year-old baby. It's depressing, but it's real. I know that God is in control and nothing that happens would come as a surprise to Him. I believe that there is no "Plan B" with God. But, if it really came down to it, would I be able to live out what I say I believe? Would I be able to live
through it? I really don't know. I struggle terribly with thoughts about what I could've done to make things different. I
could have done this, I
should not have done that. Things would have been different
IF... I believe that if something happened to my children or to Chris, those thoughts would eat me up inside.
I know these are thoughts from Satan. I know that he's trying to make me doubt my Savior and His sovereignty. But, it's hard. The other day I was doing my bible study "Motherwise" and the day's study was about fear. I have to keep repeating the scripture that was given: 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
Lord, help me to not be fearful. Help me not to be scared. Help me to know that the number of my days and the days of all the people I love have been known by you since the beginning of time. Help me to trust in you and to walk with you with a child-like faith. I don't have to understand everything about you, I don't have to know everything about you, I just have to remember that you love me. Help me to enjoy every moment that I have with my children, with my husband and my family. Thank you for the blessing that they are to me. I love you! xoxoxo