The week before Christmas was a particularly difficult week for me. To sum it up, I wanted to hang my twelve year old from his toe nails. He, being my first child, is the child-rearing guinnea pig for Chris and I. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of allowing him too much freedom with his school work (I didn't realize that my expectation was so unreasonable, it definitely wasn't) and he fell somewhat behind. He had many assignments to do, turn in, get in order, etc. all before the last day of school which was was the last day of the grading period. Of course, being the why-wouldn't-you-WANT-to-do-well-in-school mother that I am, took him up to the school to clean out and organize his locker, help him organize notebooks to turn in and made sure that everything was "just right." (AKA - the way I would do it.) I also re-did a project that he had been working on, but somehow lost on the computer, while he sat at my feet and answered Science Review questions. I'm not saying I did the RIGHT thing, I'm just saying I DID it. (I hope my mother doesn't read this :-) )Anyway, we finally got everything squared away before the end of the week, after I aged five years, and finally were able to look forward to the Christmas holiday. Except, it wasn't that simple.
After worrying all week about Morgan and trying to help him get caught up, I had neglected my quiet time with the Lord. I hadn't even picked up my bible, much less spent any time reading it. I practically had to brush the dust off of it as we headed to church the following Sunday. Neither did I spend any heart-felt time in prayer other than in asking God to prevent me from physically harming my child. And as the days have progressed, Christmas has come and gone, I still loved my Savior and wanted to know him more - I just felt somewhat "disconnected." He was still my best friend, but one that I hadn't spent time with in a while. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to. I wrestled with having my quiet time, when to have my quiet time, does a quiet time mean reading my bible for 15 minutes and praying for 15 minutes (of course, it doesn't), what if I only read one verse as opposed to five chapters, what if I only have five minutes instead of an hour, what if, what if, what if. What if what I was
really doing was trying to "please" God with my quiet time "performance?" Now we're getting somewhere. I haven't really figured it out, but what I DO know is that whatever time I spend with my Lord I want to be there. Not just physically there, but mentally and spiritually there. I want my heart there. I want my needs there. I want my WILL there.
The every day demands of being a wife and the mother of three children are here. God knows. He knows me. He knows what I can and can't handle. He knows what my time with him should look like and it very well may look like something different every day. He knows I love Him. He knows I need Him. He knows I want Him. He knows that whether I have five minutes or an hour, we'll pick up right where we left off. Just like best friends.